Wednesday, March 9, 2011

March Movie Badass Madness - Punch Vs Ponch

This is a grudge match, with the key word being grudge. Years ago, there apparently was a feud between JCVD and Seagal because Seagal said he could beat JCVD in a fight. Van Damme stepped up to the challenge and Seagal backed down. So who would win the eventual fight... let's look at the numbers.

JCVD - 85
Universal Soldier - 22
Blood Sport - 33
Hard Target - 48
Sudden Death - 52
Timecop - 46
Legionnaire - 29
Maximum Risk - 29
Street Fighter - 13
Nowhere to Run - 26

Score out of 100 - 383 38.3%

Steven Seagal
Machete - 72
Under Siege - 74
Exit Wounds - 32
Fire Down Below - 12
Executive Decision - 65
The Glimmer Man - 13
Above the Law - 57
Hard to Kill - 30
Marked for Death - 22
Out for Justice - 20

Score out of 1000 - 397 39.7%

Seagal is in the lead by the narrowest of margins. Here's the problem with these two guys. They both kick serious ass, there's no doubt about that. They just haven't kicked any ass we've wanted to see for a long time. For all the critical acclaim for JCVD I never had any inclination to watch it. The last movie I saw Steven Seagal in that was actually a theatrical release (that is before I saw Machete) was Exit Wounds... a movie that tried to follow in the footstep's of Jet Li's Romeo Must Die, appealing to the black audiences and anyone who likes martial arts/wirework movies. Their most successful movies came in the late 80's and early 90's, JCVD made Blood Sport and Seagal had Under Siege.

Winner of this matchup: Steven Seagal. The reason Seagal moves on and not JCVD is simple. Seagal has definitely put on some poundage in the past 20 years... he fills out his Gi quite nicely as well as his police uniform. As much as we like to give him grief about being portly, he could still wipe the crap out of us. He also seems to have a good sense of humor about himself, allowing cameras to follow him around while he patrols the streets of Jefferson Parrish, Louisiana in Steven Seagal: Lawman and not to mention playing a villain opposite Danny Trejo in Machete. JCVD is old and will continue to make movies, but he's just too darn serious; Sylvester Stallone wants JCVD for a sequel to Expendables but JCVD has public said he wouldn't do it if Seagal was included. That's okay, skip an opportunity to appear in a movie that will actually have a theatrical release.

Seagal moves on to face Arnie in the next round... Will he stand a chance?

Seagal may be fat, but he's still got some fast ass hands.

No comments:

Post a Comment