Wednesday, December 30, 2009

What is my Job Description?

So I realized that I haven't really explained what it is I'm doing here in the Red Kingdom. Basically my job is this. 

My job is to help graduate students, and PhD hopefuls continue their English studies. I do my job in to ways. I have a 2-hour lecture class where each week I have a topic to talk about. I use clips, audio and various media to explain the topic. The point of the class is to get them speaking in English, so I choose topics that will be thought provoking or something rife with philosophical questions for them to answer (This isn't always the case though, one class I talked about the College student's diet for 2 hours straight, not good times.)  The other way I teach the lemmings is through a 1-hour situation class, where the students are given a dialog over a situation and then I divide them into teams or pairs and make them create their own dialog inspired by the original situation. Recently I've acted as a car salesman who was trying to sell my students cars and they were coming to me with their various requirements. It gives them an opportunity to speak with each other in English more than they normally would get a chance to.

As we approach the end of the term it is becoming more and more difficult to teach full classes. So when I'm forced to teach a 2-hour class at 7pm to 9pm and I don't have a full class, not the happiest time for yours truly.

But as the end approaches so does my vacation!!!

BTW. Because I probably will not have a chance to say it... Happy New Year (a few days early)

Monday, December 28, 2009

Christmakwanzakah update

I hope you've all had a merry christmakwanzakah. I've been dealing with terrible internet here so this is the first chance I've gotten to make contact. I was able to have a semi-good christmas; we had a foreign professors christmas dinner including chicken, mash potatoes and lamb curry (quite the ecclectic pairing.) I lucked out on the night of Christmas, they showed Love Actually, in English for a change. It got me thinking about my favorite Christmas movies. So in no particular order, here is my Top 10 Favorite Holiday Movies

  1. Die Hard
  2. National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
  3. Love Actually
  4. A Christmas Story
  5. How the Grinch Stole Christmas
  6. Home Alone 2: Lost in New York
  7. Babes in Toyland (The old school Lauriel and Hardy movie)
  8. A Charlie Brown Christmas
  9. The Santa Clause
  10. Die Hard 2: Die Harder
  • (Honorable Mentions) Bad Santa and Trapped in Paradise
So we're inching closer and closer to the new year... and a new decade as well. How shall I be ringing in the new year in China... Well, you'll just have to wait and see. 

Oh BTW (and Spoiler Alert),,, I may be coming home soon... more on that later...

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

I Have a Chinese Cell Phone Number

So I finally got a phone while I was here in China. The total cost for a Sim card and a crappy phone I ended up paying 740元. To put this into perspective, I have in all spent 600on a of my food over the past month and a half. It's only about 100 dollars. Now the mission is to get a nicer phone, I'm thinking Blackberry. So anybody out there with any last minute gift ideas...

I love how crappy cell phones are advertised as having great features. The cheapo phone I got is this little Nokia without a camera or anything like Interwebs. It's great features are that it has an English dictionary (ooo ahh!!!)  and a Flashlight on the tip of it... Which is so nice, one dim LED lightbulb in the tip of a phone smaller than the iPod Mini... 

I was toying with the idea of releasing my phone's number but I thought better of it after I spoke with my parents. I talked with my parents for over an hour or so and the used up all of my international minutes... So we'll just have to wait till I can get a laptop and Skype.

All for now... The plan for Christmas is I'm going to go to a foreign teacher's potluck dinner. I'm not sure about new years but I think I might go to Shanghai? Maybe, stay tuned...

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Things I Haven't Been Able to Talk About Since I've Been in China

Here's just some of things I've needed to rant about since I've been in China.

  • Once again My eyes are onslaughted with beautiful babies with split-pants pissing in public. Watching that is about as bad as watching a dog drop a big steaming crap. I understand the functionality of spilt-pants, easily accessible for the weeniest of weewees and vajayjays. But seriously do you have to let them do that in public? And in the storm-drain for crying out loud.

  • There is a guy that works the front desk at my office who must have the worst sinuses I have ever encountered. His mouth seems to be locked in an eternal pre-loogie death hack. Everytime he passes my class he makes this awful guttural sound that makes me want to shit my pants with laughter and vomit at the same time... The question is which of us is actually going to vomit first.

  • Life is terrible without Internet porn. I love the freedom to look at all kinds of smut on the web. Not saying I'm watching it, but it's like a security blanket. I rest better at night and have peace of mind in the daytime because I know it will always be there. But with this Great Firewall of China porn and anything somewhat illicit is blocked. I'll tell you what it's like; it's like a trapeze artist doing a crazy midair flip without the safety of a net below him.

  • Now I have many nerdy tendencies, but since I have come close to ghetto black man rage on some people:
    • Anybody who gives me the stink eye (I hate mean mugging.) Specifically the guys who continue to stare at me even as they pedal their bikes ahead of me. I just wish one time that they would crash into somebody and get the crap beaten out of them. I am not a lion and this is not a zoo.
    • There is no sense of queue... not at the bus or at the local MickeyD's. People just boguard and crowd and get in the way. Now I'm a big guy and I have had to fight the temptation to push the little industrious fellows aside, but I'm getting there. But there's nothing more satisfying than successfully boxing out that random guy who tries to cut in line for that last good seat on the shuttle bus.
    • Seriously guy, personal bubble.
    • And another thing, hygiene. That's all I have to say on that one.

God it felt good to get that out.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

The Worst Student I Have Ever Encountered

So a few days ago I ran into what may have been the worst student ever. He was like an amalgamation of every 80's high school scalawag cliche there was. He was loud when he wasn't supposed to be talking and interrupted me on a couple of times over the 3 classes I had with him. But most recently he went above and beyond his standard douchebaggery. So far so that the story needs telling.

So let's get an image of this guy. First off, he's Chinese... who'da thunk right? Second he's got to be in his 40's, he's lost about 2/3 of his hair and has entered the combover phase. He dresses like he could be Mr. Rogers or Gilligan. And the capper is he wears a leather carryall with a strap. HE WEARS A PURSE!!!!

Anyways, so he comes into my afternoon class on the Source of Life. The two hour class covers a myriad of personal and philosophical topics like Intelligent Design vs Evolution, The moment of human life in infancy, and the meaning of life... all thought-provoking questions that were getting a good amount of discussion, except for him. His lips could have been spot-welded shut all class until the moment when I said I believed in both God and the Big Bang. He made one of those sounds with his lips and teeth that made me what to jump over the table and drop bombs about his forehead.

Well, at one point I divided the class for in depth discussion on a topic, and when I went to see his group he was nowhere to be seen. So I went into the little boys room for a wee and there he was in a stall smoking a cigarette. It pissed me off, this isn't Fast Times at Ridgemont High (If it was I would totally be Spicoli.) But I let it go until I brought the groups back together and then to my complete lack of surprise he didn't come back with his group. He was just wistfully wandering the halls outside of my class. I was listening to my student with one ear as I focused all my energy on mugging him.

I got to believe he was the worst student this side of Lean on Me. (Yah smoke crack don't yah!?) 

If I can't whip him into shape I'm calling Morgan Freeman.

Monday, December 14, 2009

Top 10 Movies of 2009

I got to see a lot of movies this year, and eventhough I'm doing this from China and will miss some of the late additions to the year, like Sherlock Holmes and Avatar, I'm pretty confident in my list. Note: I didn't get to see District 9 or Precious before I left so they're off the list.

Top 10 Movies of 2009
  1. Inglourious Basterds

  2. Star Trek

  3. Red Cliff

  4. The Hangover

  5. In The Loop

  6. Zombieland

  7. Watchmen: The Ultimate Cut

  8. The Boat That Rocked (Pirate Radio)

  9. 2012

  10. Drag Me to Hell
Top 9 Upcoming Movies of 2010
  1. Iron Man 2

  2. Shutter Island

  3. Kick-Ass

  4. Inception

  5. The Expendables

  6. Jonah Hex

  7. The A-Team

  8. Machete

  9. The Book of Eli

Friday, December 11, 2009

How I Spent My Summer Vacation

So here is the tale of how I made it to China...

It's quite simple really. After graduation and summer classes I moved back home with my parents while I searched for a job. I signed for for websites like Careerbuilder and but got nothing. Somewhere around the end of May I sent my resume to The University of Science and Technology of China who was looking for an English Teacher to help facilitate English conversation in Graduate students. I sent off my resume and heard nothing from them throughout the summer. Come the fall I could not find a job for family reasons. My mother had surgery done in August to improve the circulation in her leg as a result of living with diabetes for most of her life. After she came home I basically acted as her nurse by proxy. I gave her her pills and meals and helped to move around. That didn't help me in the job department.

So comes the beginning of November and I get a call from some guy in Philly. He asks me if I would be interested in working at a school in China... The same school I applied to half-a-year earlier. They desperately needed a teacher to come and finish out the semester. It would require me to leave immediately. So as a result all of my plans for Thanksgiving and Christmas were cancelled. My brother was going to come in from California and that would be the first time I would see him since May; he left for Cali two days before my Graduation. They dickered around with me for two weeks about when I would leave and how I'd get there. Tickets to and from China are expensive and the visa costs 160 skins... After getting incredibly frustrated with them I told them unless they buy my ticket and fly my out there I would not be going.

So here I am... Next time I'll describe what it is I actually do.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Live From China

I am coming to you live from Hefei, China... It's 6:15 in the Pm on Wednesday, for you in the states it's still the am... Moving on

Seeing as how blogging from the Red State has become increasingly difficult to do I'm forced to have to lump alot of things together... Many of the things I've been experiencing since I've returned to China I have been talking about through emails... I'm going to be uploading them whenever I get the chance.

Here's one from Nov. 16th titled I'm alive... somewhat:

Greetings from the opposite end of the world. I've been in the Shanghai Terminal now for a couple of hours and found free interwebs so i thought I'd let you know I'm alright. I'm waiting for my final flight from Shanghai to Hefei which is at 9pm my time, 8 am your time. I got into Shanghai around 4pm... So here's a top gear top tip, if you have to have a layover of more than 4 hours... get a map, drop off your luggage and go do something. Hindsight's twenty-twenty. I sat next to the most aggravating man from Mexico. When EVERYONE on the plane wanted to sleep, including me, he kept opening the window to look outside (it's Russia what's there to see but snow.) I also was asked by the most antsy Chinese man I've ever met to change seats on the plane with him, because he wanted to use the jack in my seat to charge his computer when in actuality he was pissed because the volume on his in-flight enternainment was busted. Sucks to be you sir, tough noogies.

Overall this trip was fraught with perilous layover, something to keep in mind for the next trip.

Once I get there and go through the meet and greet with the masses of school people I am crashing. I'm running on fumes. I'll try to talk to you as soon as I can get to another computer or a phone.

Here's something I just found out that may be of some consequence to my fragile little state here, NO TWITTER, NO FACEBOOK, and NO accessing my own webblog. If I wanted to give everything up interwebswise I would have applied to be a professor in Tibet.

Hopefully I'll get without them... for two months.

Just had my first feel[meal]... Some roasted pork in a General Tso'sesque sauce. I got a little on my shirt which made me made. I survived O'Scare and a 14 hour flight clean as a whistle and now I get something on it. Don't worry that's why God created Tide to Go. I board my plane soon.Talk to you all very soon


Thanks to craftiness and technosavvy I have been able to circumvent a few of those things. I can now see faceybook but I'm like a ghost; I can't make comments or check incoming messages. I've got twitter as a result of some "Great Firewall of China" underminings and have minimal access to the blog... thank giddyod for copy-paste.

Here's another email from the 19th titled Hello Hello

Hello all. So I'm guessing you guys did not see my email... I sent it during the middle of the night... Check your emails. More often than not I will be sending them from 8pm to 7am your time. Well, I'm alive! Yay. I've hunkered down and am starting work today. My topics for today are Dealing with stress and talking about sports... As much as I like to spin yarns about myself I have to try my best to get them all talking about sports... could be fun

So I've had a chance to scope out the surrounding area. There are a crap ton of computer stores around... Including an Apple store which is hilarious. I walked about ten minutes north of my apartment and found a KFC and a MickeyD's. If you had to choose between a Chinese KFC and a McDonalds I'd suggest a MickeyD's (how hard is it to screw up an order for a big mac?)

So I saw that the Colts beat the Pats by 1 point and at the last minute to boot, and what's this I'm hearing about Jenson Button going to Mclaren?

It has been an interesting couple of days. For the most part I've been sleeping five hours at a time, falling asleep at 8pm and waking up around 1 and watching late night American movies with Chinese subtitles (last night or should I say this morning I watched The Glimmer Man w/ Keenan Ivory Wayans and Seagal.) The problem is when it gets dark and there's nothing on TV in English except Asian news I get incredibly sleepy. Something I have to work on by Friday, I teach bright and early at 8:30 on Friday.

Well, I try to send you either some pictures or a video of what the apartment looks like soon, when you see it you'll understand why they're tearing it down soon. Well, off to catch up on some missed TV watchings before my first class of the day. Laters

Snack for the day: Squid Jerky

Maybe next time I can blog I'll actually explain How I got to China

Monday, November 2, 2009

Things We Do When We're Unemployed

So I've been away for a while for multiple reasons. the chief reason being my mom. She went in at the beginning of September for bypass surgery in her leg to increase circulation down to her foot. It has not been the most stellar of two months for her, my dad and myself. Lots of pain, lots of close monitoring and so forth. As a result me looking for a job has been somewhat put on the back burner. So what have I been doing for the past few months?
  • Watching football
  • Reading comics like Blackest Night and Runaways (please come back from hiatus soon, pleeeease)
  • Went and saw Zombieland (excellent + random appearance of Weekend Crush Amber Heard.)
  • Watched two Heroes marathons and got back into Heroes
  • Finally bought Lost seasons 2-4 (eagerly anticipating Season 5) and bought Fringe Season 1
  • Volunteered at a morning 5k/10k in Downtown Indy (pictures below)
  • Got a flu shot... but not for that H1N1 (that vaccine is going to be the cause for the zombie apocalypse. Mark my words.)
And most recently I went around taking pictures of the fall foliage for my brother who upon reaching fall in southern California realized that palm trees don't change colors. So here is a slideshow of the post-halloweenie foliage in our neighborhood.

So did I mention I might be going back to China? Shush, I don't want to jinx it.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Storms Knocked Out My Internets!!!

I feared for my life this Tuesday when a huge band of storms rolled through Indy and wiped out all the things I loved. There I was with my bowl of off-brand Raisin Bran Crunch getting ready to watch a Bizarre Foods marathon when a storm rolled
through and knocked out the satelitte feed... That would have been fine and dandy, just watch some stuff on Hulu or something but no! In the confu
sion of low flying thunder claps and waffer-thin dogs shaking like vibrators I realized there was no internets!! NO FACEBOOK, NO GMAIL, NO TWITTER, NO INTERNET PORN!!!
Luckily everything is back to normal now...

Friday, July 24, 2009

My Weekend Crush

Maybe it has something to do with the placement of the bubbles but I'm drawing a complete blank on who this is. Kidding... I remember Kate Mara for three reasons: her half naked with a shotgun scene in Shooter (featuring a lispy Danny Glover and Mark Wahlberg), her role in Brokeback Mountain (yes I saw the movie, what of it), and her role in Tadpole (nothing like statutory rape comedies...) I look forward to seeing more of her, especially in Iron Man II. Until then, Enjoy...

Am I the only one who thinks that she and Isla Fisher could be twins?

Monday, July 20, 2009

Barker Family Celebration Part 2

Here's Part 2 which has more pictures from the Barker Celebration. This includes some pictures of the newest member of the Barker family, Lexi, as well as some pictures on the road and of the Blue Ridge mountain area where we scattered some of grandpa's ashes.

My little baby cousin Lexi is just adorable isn't she?

Barker Family Celebration

I got a chance to see a huge chunk of my father's side of the family this weekend. They had all converged on Waynesboro, VA to memorialize my grandfather who passed earlier this year. We spread his ashes on the Blue Ridge Mountains on Thursday, had his funeral (in a church in the middle of nowhere) on Friday, and celebrated his life on Saturday. I met cousins and twice-baked cousins I never knew I had. Got to meet some of my grandfather's Virginia Military Institute brothers and scoped out a '49 Jag that a member of my gf's British Car Club.


Here is a sample of some of my better pictures. Proof that I can make some artsy stuff when I try. Enjoy.

Monday, July 6, 2009

Patton Oswalt: Big Fan

I just saw a really interesting trailer for the movie Big Fan. It stars comedian Patton Oswalt and is written and directed by the writer of The Wrestler, Robert Siegel. At first it looks like any other comedy but then the twist. I'm excited for this one.

What I wouldn't do to go to Sundance Film Festival.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Things You Shouldn't Say on the Day Michael Jackson Dies

I felt really bad when I heard the King of Pop had died. But the first thing that came out of my mouth were really bad jokes. You know when people hiss and you're forced to say too soon? Those kinds of jokes. Here are a few from me and a friend of mine:
  • I guess his heart just couldn't Beat It.
  • This is just so BAD!
  • You've been hit by, you've been struck by... cardiac arrest.
  • I guess his heart stopped til it got enough.
  • God... this is a THRILLER!
  • My mom is so sad, she's OFF THE WALL
  • DO YOU REMEMBER THE TIME... When Michael Jackson went to the hospital in cardiac arrest?
  • Well, I guess he WON'T be there after all.
  • No more child support for Billie Jean
  • Rats everywhere are in mourning
  • Paul McCartney is probably Say Say Saying it can't be true.
  • I wonder, when they did chest compressions, did he go hee hee... -[my favorite]

I only kid about Michael, one of my favorite childhood memories is the complete Thriller... Here's my favorite Jackson song... Show You the Way to Go... RIP JACKO

I would definitely feel a lot worse if it was Prince not Michael...

Sunday, June 21, 2009

This is What Happens When You're Sick for Two Weeks

So for some reason I got incredibly sick and had to go to the emergency room... I was so nausious for three days. On the first day I had to lay on my side in the pregnant lady "don't poop out the baby" fetal position for 10 hours... WITH NO TV!!! I went stir crazy. It was either my diabeetus or a bad bug and blood sugar issues... As a result I complete have ignored my blog and my writing. It's also really hard to get a job from your bed. I did however have enough time (at my parent's request) to post some pictures from the Chinese Dragonboat race they went to. Here's those pictures.

Here's a list of the other various things I did from my bed or from the toilet.
  • Watched a UFC Ultimate Fighter marathon
  • Watched the Ninja Warrior (Sasuke) marathon
  • Pulled my keyboard over to the bed and watched some youtube videos and read some comics.

Hopefully I'll get back to work on 3Lovers this week...

Monday, June 8, 2009

Monday Youtube Theatre

I thought today would be a perfect to to show off some of my favorite web videos from teh Tubes... So for today's Monday Youtube Theatre we have:

Suburb Pat's Favorite Vids Vol. I

First up is some Russell Brand talking about Seagulling!!!

Up next is one of my favorite Marvel Vs DC videos, showing what Superheroes talk about when they aren't at work fighting crime.

The last one for today comes from the archives of Random Act. Random Act is(if it isn't defunct by now) sketch comedy troupe at Butler University. This video features one of my friends , Ewzzy, selling cars. It's pretty funny.

Ever since I saw Silence of the Lambs I've been no horrified with the thought of seagulling.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Preview of Episode II of 3Lovers

So this is becoming a daily thing, but here's another sample of The Three Lovers of Amelia. This comes from the second chapter or Episode II, titled Conflict of Interests. It is the introduction of college professor Frank Roe who starts a clandestine relationship with Amelia. My plan for him is to have him lose his mind when she leaves for someone else, but I'm nowhere near that point. Well here's a sample... Enjoy Check out more @ The Three Lovers of Amelia
Frank had been Amelia's academic advisor for five semesters now, but it wasn't until recently that he found himself sexually attracted to her. He couldn't decide why that was, maybe it had something to do with her recent change in style. Like James, Frank had noticed that her clothes were shorter, her attitude was more outgoing almost to the point of being exuberant. She talked more in his class and her insights contributed more to the discussions than normally. More often than not the discussion would be a back and forth conversation with with James about the philosophy undertones in Joyce's work; things only a professor with a Masters Degree like him or a philosophy student, which James was, would know about. She added a little panache to the discussions, a quality that he desperately needed from the opposite sex.

His wife was leaving him. In his mind he didn't know why. In actuality it had to do with his meager salary at the university and his preoccupation with literature and not his wife. She strayed from the nest, multiple times, and with many of his friends. They told him, he didn't take it very well. The divorce papers were being filed and all Frank could think about was going headlong into Amelia Blake.

You can read the rest of Episode to here.

So I saw The Hangover, and as much as I love Nathan Fillion, I wouldn't mind Bradley Cooper being Green Lantern.

3Lovers update

Episode I of The Three Lovers of Amelia is done. I like the way it turned out. It gives a brief introduction to the lead character James Oliver (Ollie) and of course Amelia Blake. On the the blog it's split up into daily postings, but thanks to Google Docs I was able to mash it all together into one chunk. As I progress I intend to have the whole thing together on Google Doc Here's a sample: Check out more @ The Three Lovers of Amelia or read the whole first Episode here.

Amelia opened the door. As the smoke lifted above his face he could see her. Amelia had her hair in curls this time, like dirty blond ringlets tumbling past her shoulders. He could tell she had been at one of the close by clubs by her outfit. Her black tube top was bra-less and shoulder-less and because of the size of her breasts it left very little for the imagination, and her black leather skirt was definitely shorter than fingertip length. Her exposed midriff showed of the new diamond-studded navel piercing she said she got gratis, but he knew gratis meant a quick lay for the gentleman's troubles. That only aggravated him more, and led him to be more snarky than normal.
"So, what have we learned?"
"Don't bring strange men home?"
"No, who fucking cares who you fuck..."
"Don't play with weapons?"
"No, playing with weapons if fine, but if you have play around, make sure the chamber is empty and the safety's on!"
He looked at her as the outdoor light danced on her face. Her eyes were red and puffy from crying and her mascara was running. Part of him wanted to take her and rest her head on his shoulder. She had done that a few times in the past. But, seeing as how she was still holding a M9 Beretta and the cops would soon be there, he had no time to be sympathetic.

This is what I do with my free time when nothings on TV, stay up late and write.

Saturday, June 6, 2009

Some more old China Adventures

I found some old disks of all of the disposable cameras I brought back from my first two trips to China along with some old high school pictures (to be compiled later.) I just loaded them onto Picasa 3 (what an amazing little program Google's made with Picassa.) There was some emperial dress up, gazing out on the South China Sea off of a beach in Hong Kong and some white water rafting going down. Enjoy.

Anybody else notice that it was both the D-Day anniversary and Tetris' birthday... Probably not the best two things to memorialize on the same day... Ruskies and Nazis, and I'm showing picks from China (the irony isn't lost on me.)

My Weekend Crush

This weekend has the makings for an R-rated UPset at the box office with The Hangover. I'm just going to put it out there now, it will probably have something to do with Heather Graham... I have loved Heather Graham ever since the night I snuck out of my room as a young whipper snapper when my parents were watching Boogie Nights and saw Rollergirl... Where's the academy when you need them, a girl who never takes off her rollerskates, even during sex (I smell Oscar) Has it really been 12 years since Boogie Nights?

Anywho, I have to say The Hangover looks hilarious and going with the Roger Ebert 3 1/2 stars seal of approval (Plus the fact that the guy who directed it also directed Road Trip and Old School) I totally will be hitting the the theatre to see it this weekend. For now, enjoy some Heather Graham.

Anybody else remember the video for American Woman after The Spy Who Shagged Me? 

Friday, June 5, 2009

My Story - The Three Lovers Of Amelia

So I've had this huge idea swirling around in my head and so I've decided to get it out. I've created a blog that will have bits and pieces of what may eventually become a novel is I ever finish it. It's called Three Lovers of Amelia. Right now is a small introduction to the three main characters of the story. The story will be told in through each person's perspective. I'm gonna try to manage this fun blog and work on that one at the same time... possibly dropping bits of it here for your perusal. Check it out @ The Three Lovers of Amelia...

What else am I going to do with all of this free time, get a job?

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

New Topic: Things We Do When We're Bored

So it's been raining off and on for the last couple of days and that's kept me inside the house... As a result here are some of the things that have happened since I moved back home (scratching the surface):
  • My spare TV and OG Xbox are sitting on my desk adjacent to my computer monitor... As a result I've been twittering and playing Star Wars: KOTOR II for the past 8 hours.
  • I took a break from KOTOR to get some breakfast and somehow got stuck on Lifetime... I watched an hour of some sitcom called Less than Perfect and now I've developed a crush on Sara Rue (Ginger Nut for the win.)
  • I watched Demolishion Man today for no reason other than to quote crappy Sylvester Stallone one-liners.
  • E3 has been covered on G4 for the last 2 days... I've been watching Steve Wiebe try to break the all-time Donkey Kong record... It's funny I've been clue glueing at all of these new games but I don't the money to upgrade to a 360.
  • I'm so lazy that I've been listening to Louis CK on my computer instead of filling out online applications... 
  • Even my dogs were lazy cause they couldn't go outside...

I have no explanation for watching Lifetime...

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Glee... another show for FOX to cancel

I just got a chance to sit and watch the pilot of Glee. I for one loved it. I immediately began to flashback to choir competitions, shiny dresses, clip-on bowties, and the like. What made me enjoy it so much was that the characters where real... Click here to see my post on the Real High School Musical. The sneak preview was a great idea... I loved that the show had song&dance numbers... it's also interesting that it's an hour-long comedy (which are few and far between.) Knowing FOX, because I liked it, it will probably only last for a few weeks before they cancel it. I wonder, are there enough nerds out there to keep the show on the air?

Since when has Jane Lynch been such a hot commodity in Hollywood?

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Epic Fail: Denver Nuggests vs WWE

Double dose of fail coming at ya! 

So here's a hilarious article I found this afternoon. Of course I should be studying, but this is too good. So the WWE booked the Pepsi Center in Denver back in August for Monday Night Raw on Memorial Day. The Nuggest beat the Dallas Mavericks in the Western Conference Semifinals and will be hosting Game 4 of the conference finals on Monday. THE SAME DAY! Source: AP

WWE spokesman Robert Zimmerman said the company reserved the Pepsi Center on Aug. 15 and had already sold more than 10,000 tickets for its the Monday Night Raw event... He said the organization expects a sellout, with tickets ranging from $20 to $70... But the Nuggets are planning to play Game 4 of the NBA's Western Conference finals against the Los Angeles Lakers on Monday at the Pepsi Center, the team's home floor... Monday Night Raw draws almost 6 million viewers weekly, making it one of the top rated programs on cable television, Thomison said..."The conflict has to be resolved very soon," Thomison said. "Monday Night Raw is a very valuable asset to the company..."The WWE said its crews will be in Denver on Monday night, even if it means putting on a show in a parking lot.

Personally I think it's great, figure something out quickly though. Now that all my Monday programs are off the air, I watch Wrestling on Mondays...

I say they move Raw outside the arena, weather permitting and they do an outdoor show. It would be amazing.

Meet the Spy leaked

Thanks to a very crafty person over at Valve, the movie trailer for Team Fortress 2's Meet the Spy has been leaked. Or so they want us to believe. Any way, it's amazingly funny and here it is... no doubt for a limited time before it's removed from youtube. enjoy

I love the Orange Box... What's your favorite game from The Orange Box, mine's Portal.

Bloc Party Take-Away Show

I just saw one of the most amazing videos on vimeo... Kele from Bloc Party was coaxed into singing a song outside of a Paris pub. Singing with a sore throat he performed an accoustic version of 'This Modern Love,' an amazing love ballad. It is incredible... That's all I can say, I can't do it justice... Just watch.

Bloc Party, 'This Modern Love' - A Take Away Show from La Blogotheque on Vimeo.

It was on an October night, in Paris. We went to a pub, made some noise outside with a German band. Kele, Bloc Party's singer, went out. We asked him to sing. He said no. We asked again, he said 'yes but'. Then, we asked again...

Here it is, just one song, an old song, played acoustic for the first time. From Bloc Party, a Take Away Show.
The whole story is here :,4511
Produced by La Blogothèque
Directed by Colin Solal Cardo
Sound by François Clos

Here's the regular version of 'This Modern Love' performed live, you be the judge. Which is better?

Seeing them live in 2007 was one of the best concerts I've ever been to, hands down. I think I have almost every one of their songs... 

Monday, May 18, 2009

Monday Youtube Theatre

Sometimes when you get stuck on youtube you find great little gems... 
Today's theme is News Bloopers: 

Up first is A Van crashes into Studio During News. Enjoy 

Up next is a weatherman's on-air bout with the runs.

Also a personal favorite... News10 Halloween Prank.

God isn't that dude a douche? He just keeps dogging these women... If I was one of the I would totally give him a sack-tap.

My Own Obituary

So I'm not dead... But for my one summer course I need to get my diploma. So to take time off from reading 2 textbook chapters A DAY, I had to write my own Obituary... Morbid, I know. Still, it was really fun to do (Even though the entire process was hurried and hindered by the professor.) Here it is. 

Patrick M. Barker, an Indianapolis, Ind. native who made a career out of traveling to and from China, died when the plane he was on fourteen days ago crashed in the ocean a thousand miles away from Fiji. He was 22. Mr. Barker, a graduate of Pike High School in Indianapolis, Ind. and Butler University in Indianapolis, Ind., traveled to China multiple times in the past six years. He kept a personal blog about his multiple journeys to China and wrote stories and personal anecdotes, or what he called “[his] daily misadventures.” His blog had a cult following.He is survived by his father and mother, Richard and Tanya of Indianapolis Ind.; and older brother, Thomas of Los Angeles, CA. Services will be held May 28th at St. Monica’s Catholic Church. There will be a wake followed by a screening of the film Road to Morocco, one of Patrick’s most liked films. The wreckage of Flight 815 has not been recovered; and the investigation into the cause of the crash that claimed all 132 passengers, including Mr. Barker, is ongoing.

Notice the little LOST references... I did that just for the nerds in the audience. I talk about this blog in it too. Gotta give it a little bit of truth.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Old Blog Flashback: Boxers or Briefs?

Here's the last of the non-depressing emo postings from the old blog. I'm finally shutting it down. Enjoy.
What's Your Flavor? 
There is something to be said about people and their choice in underwear.  It's safe to say that the undies can define the person who wears them.
  • Briefs (Whitey Tighty's) - These are normally worn by white people, but I used to wear them before I reached the age of reason.  They are the easiest to slip on, and offer protection for the twins (triplets in some cases)
  • Boxers - Boxers are for those people who like the feel of free balling, but are too afraid to them hang out, for obvious reasons that I shouldn't have to go into (i.e. pubes caught in zipper, or other things)  These come in various style, colors and designs, but they offer nothing in the ways of support.  
  • Boxer-Briefs - As the name suggests, these are an amalgamation of boxers and briefs.  They have the length of boxers, but have the protection of the fabric and design of briefs.  They offer protection for the twins, while still maintaining a small range of movement.
  • Speedos - For those who like to flirt, have the body for these or just like the feel of barely any fabric.  These undies are smaller that briefs, and lose most of the protection of the briefs.  There is always the chance of hanging brains at any moment.  Another thing...sometimes these affect the gooch (the area between the balls and ass.)
    I have it from a "reliable source" from the fairer sex who enlightened me to female underwear.
  • Granny Panties - My reliable source tells me that these larger and cumbersome undergarments are almost a faux pox...they cannot be worn under pants.
  • Panties - These could be compared to Men's briefs, as they are the normal wears for females.  The are very comfortable for the wearer. On a scale of 1 to 10 they could be considered an 8, 9 depending on the fabric.
  • Thongs and G-Strings - Being a guy, I wasn't expecting alot from Thongs in the comfortable department, but apparently they are immensely comfortable.  My reliable source says once they are on, you don't realize they are on...and they don't constrict any parts of the female anatomy.  Some outfits are a little awkward (example: there are thongs where all of the fabric is tied in the middle of the sacrum by a metal ring.)
I guess the question to ask yourself, is 'What type of underwear do I wear, and how does it make me feel.' I personally wear boxer-briefs for their protection and comfort...I could care less about the style.  And whoever said 'It's not whats on the outside, its whats on the inside that counts' wasn't talking about underwear.  Underwear shouldn't make the man or the woman for that matter.
So one thing I overlooked in the original... commando. Of course I should have investigated the people of the freeballing persuasion but I decided I didn't want to know who they were... Nothing's changed. I guess comfort and style in underware is just seen through the Browneye of the beholder. (See what I did there)

Interestingly the song I was currently listening to as I wrote the post was Sisqo's The Thong Song... if that isn't the definition of apropos I don't know what is.

Thanks for the Memories.

Here's a little tribute, to all the college memories I've collected over the past four years. To all of you who made the last four years of my life worth living, thank you... Enjoy.

Playing this song along with it makes the whole experience. Watch it here on Youtube set to music.

Friday, May 8, 2009

My Trekky Crush

I'm in full on nerd out mode right now... I got back from a Thursday night showing of Star Trek and immediately hit up IMDB. Why, because I couldn't figure out who the busty green starfleet cadet was. SPOILER ALERT>>> Kirk makes it with the green girl in a definite homage to the orion slave girl from the above picture (Not that big of a spoiler, but hey, fair warning.) I was maybe 8 or 9 when I first watched the Orion Slave Girl scene, I loved it then and I love it now. So the woman turned out to be no other than Diora Baird; when I put two and two together I started laughing hystarically at 2 in the morning. I know I've already featured her, but how could I resist. Enjoy...
As I waited to leave before seeing Star Trek I watch Star Trek: Nemesis... I was definitely in the trekky mood. Star Trek definitely breaks the odd-numbered Star Trek movie curse.

Monday, May 4, 2009

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Demotivate the Week

Well it's the last week of College, minus one summer course that I'm ignoring for the moment. As a tribute to the upcoming end of my studies I think I've picked a series of Demotivators that are definitely apropos.


It's all happening so freaking fast... real world here I come.

Monday, April 27, 2009

The Big 150th Post: EXAM JAM!!!

So here's something awesome to show as my 150th post. I got to get incredibly close to the stage when Gym Class Heroes performed at Butler University tonight. Their opening act, Chester French were amazing... And, like most opening acts only the select few got there early enough to enjoy their set (which included a spot-on cover of Hella Good and a little teaser of Rage Against the Machine.) Gym Class Heroes was amazing, way better live than on their actual albums. They did a cover of the Deftones which was straight metal and they killed it...

Here are some of the best pictures from the concert, you can check out the rest and other stuff at my picasa page.

I was rocked far beyond the point of rational thought...

Monday Morning Demotivation

So I've been getting back into the habit of posting again. This is my final's week but it's gonna be a breeze. I'm finishing my term paper today and tonight there's a concert tonight on campus, Chester French and Gym Class Heroes... Get excited!! Now, to demotivate the week

This Week's topic: Steroids

I totally have a craving for some Powerthirst.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Old Blog Flashback: China Pictures

Here are some pictures compiled of my multiple trips to China.

It really annoys me when people pronounce it Chiner

My Guilty Pleasure Crush

So it's been a while, but being back to form I decided to share with you my guilty pleasure crush. Okay, this is going to sound sad, but I have a genuine massive crush on Katy Perry. Why, well come on, tell me singing a song about kissing another girl isn't the dream... Plus she has this cute Zooey Deschanel thing going, but with bigger boobs, which is definitely a plus. She may not be able to sing out of a cardboard box (I actually have her album on iTunes) but she is quite the preformer. Okay, diving into a giant cake is something normally reserved for Vegas strippers and entering the stage through a giant peeling banana is a Freudian wetdream. Mmm... Anyways, enjoy.

Seriously, what totally got me to love her has to be the fact that one of her singles is called Ur So Gay. Hilarious music video.

Ransom Shoes Strike Again

So I haven't returned the ransom shoes to Joanna yet. Here's another round of pictures taken on campus with the shoes.

The shoes may never be returned...

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Without Troy

So my friend's Tom and Ewzzy have finished their movie Without Troy and it will be premiered next Tuesday. I'm incredibly excited for a few reasons.
  1. My roommate and I have a brief cameo in the movie
  2. Tom and Ewzzy are incredibly talented.
  3. I hung out in the edit bays with Tom and Ewzzy as they were doing their thang and there are little things here and there that I suggested that they did in the editing, not to mention that the tagline was my idea.
So here's the trailer of Without Troy straight from Vimeo. Check it out. Also check out to see production pics and more.

Without Troy - Official Trailer from Ewzzy on Vimeo.Without Troy - Official Trailer from Ewzzy on Vimeo.Without Troy - Official Trailer from Ewzzy on Vimeo.
Tom and Ewzzy were also responsible for Random Action, featuring my roommates Jeff and Steve. Check it out on Ewzzy's Vimeo as well.

Old Blog Flashback: Tips to Surviving China

Here are some tips for surviving in China (I went to China in Spring of '04 and '05 & Summer of '06 and '07 so trust me, I have a wealth of experience to work off of):
1. Make sure to bring toilet paper (NO matter what you do, bring your own toilet paper.) I cannot emphasize this enough. You don't want to get caught in a situation where you have no T.P. and have to squat in a squater toilet.
2. Bring a good antiperspirant...even if you don't sweat alot, it's better to have it even if you don't think you'll need it.
3. If you don't have a washing machine bring lots of's extra to use a dryer.
4. Bring some one dollar bills (you can barter for stuff with one dollar bills.) Also, don't put all of your money in the same place, if you have a sneaky thief that tries to take your bag, you'll still have some money, the same goes for your passport & visa, keep them shit's safe.
5. Bring a good rains off and on like Seattle.
6. Bring a Chinese/English Dictionary
7. Find a bar where they speak English, they give you booze, and they know where everything is.
8. Figure out what you're willing to eat ahead of time...if you decide to eat western food all the time you will spend lots of money
9. Bring a bag you can wear over the shoulder...harder to steal
10 . Have a jacket that is warm in spring time and cool during autumn.
11. Buy condoms before you arrive in China. You don't want to put your faith in Jissbon condoms, their mascot is a Condom with Ray-Bans on, he looks like a shitty Mr. Peanut.
12. If you know you sweat easily don't where clothes you are unwilling to sweat in.
13. If you have an attribute that attracts uncommon amounts of attention, be prepared to reap the whirlwind. You have to be able to laugh at yourself...'cause they definitely will be, and nine times out of ten you won't understand their insults.

The Continuing Misadventures of Ransom Shoes

Here's another slideshow of the ransom shoes. Got some great shots from some random Butler Locals... enjoy

If only I could get a shot with Blue II... rats

Will the Real Suburb Pat Please Stand Up...

So I've been doing this blog in it's current format since 2007, and my first blog started back in the fall of 2005. I've been on teh webs for a while now, and I would hope that the nickname Suburb Pat would be mine solely to claim. Well apparently I'm mistaken. There's some chubby fat guy disgracing the Suburb Pat moniker on youtube with a Gallon Challenge. Take a look for yourselves...

Dude, I've been Suburb Pat since 2003, and I have to say I'm disappointed. Chugging milk and referencing World of Warcraft is destroying my rep (what little rep I have). 

Old Blog Flashback: Tips to Surviving College

Here's an old blog posting I made back in 2007 a quick little guide to surviving College

This is a guide for any of you out there who are about to venture off into college...or what some people call "real life." Here are some handy tips to help ease your transition alittle bit.

Moving in/Around the Dorm
  • Ok, if you have a car and are free of your parents that's good, what we're trying to do here is get everything loaded into the car/truck/suv/van so you only need to make one trip... the less help you get from your parents, the better.
  • Depending on where you are staying, most likely a dormitory you will want to decorate... almost immediately. Most dorm rooms are a drab shitty off-white color, some don't have carpets (get one if your room doesn't have one... trust me) so bring some things to give it color: drapes, posters, calendars, tapestries... all good.
  • Now, certain colleges have dorms separated by sex, that isn't such a bad thing. Once you meet and greet some of the fellow dorm livers, venture forth and meet some females... it's that simple.
Day to Day Living
  • There are certain things you'll need that are necessary when at college. If you don't have a cell phone or some sort of a computer, get one. Depending on the college, not having one or neither can make things difficult.
  • Taking a shower is an interesting experience. Many dormitories have communal showers, meaning... you may see some wang. Don't Panic, it isn't the end of the world, all you need to remember after the initial spotting of wang is to look down and away. I'll say it again, down and away... act like you have something in your eye if you have to.
  • By now if you are not on a social networking website, like myspace, twitter, or Facebook, you may want to get on one
  • There may come a time when someone may come up to you and say hello, don't fret if you've forgot their name, its a common occurrence on a college campus, big or small. Here are a few things you can do if you forget a name:
    1. Say, "Hey" and shake one hand in a circular motion and look puzzled as if you are trying really hard to remember (you might be...or you may not care, this doesn't hurt their feelings). Eventually they will catch that you are having problems remembering the name and they'll say it...when they do so point directly and them and say their name either two or three times (try to place the name with the face)
    2. You can try the open approach and say, "Hey, um, oh I'm sorry what's your name again?" If you choose this way, try to sound sincerely upset about forgetting their name. They'll forgive you.
    3. If you are looking the more blunt way of doing so, as soon as they come up and say your name, make it obvious that you have no idea who they are. Saying something along the line of "Yeah, I don't remember you...did we meet somewhere before?" Now, this kind of response may come of as a dick move, but apologizing will make them think of you better.
  • It is necessary to have laundry detergent or a means of cleaning your clothes while at college. It doesn't take long for clothing to become musty, sweaty, and smelly. So here's the clothing rules.
    1. Underware should be worn once this goes for undershirts and socks, but if by necessity there is the occasion where you don't have either laundry detergent or means of cleaning clothes
    2. Shirts with witty banter on the front or back can become played if worn often, were sparingly.
    3. Wearing pajama bottoms to class is ok.
    4. Depending on the size of your wardrobe, wear ensembles sparingly, except in the winter
      • Wintertime rule: Depending on the temperature outside, wearing
        of hoodies or sweaters more than one is okay, you may want get gloves
        and maybe some earmuffs
Miscellaneous Tidbits
  • If you haven't figured out by now, cafeteria food sucks. Some college's food suck so much that it affects you in ways you may not have ever had the privilege to experience. Note: Buy Imodium or Pepto me.
  • Have fun...make friends in your hallway sports like: hockey, soccer, baseball, football, frisbee....BUT remember BE SAFE
  • Learn what classes you can skip and take lots of naps.
And above all else