Sunday, March 30, 2008

My Weekend Crush (Finale)

I end this weekend of cock teasery with the proverbial princess of prick provoking, Jessica Alba. Alliteration aside, the now defunct Dark Angel has been on the scene for a while now, and for the longest time she has stuck to an anus-tight non-nudity clause in all of her projects...that is a shame, but that doesn't mean she hasn't came close...my mind wanders to a olive green top that didn't do a fair job covering up the goodies... What makes her even more awesome is that she is gonna be a mommy (Sweet goodness golly, she'll grow exponentially in in cup sizes O_O, this I have to see.)...so she belongs to a couple exclusive clubs: MILFs of Hollywood, Cock Teasers Anonymous, and the Multiracial Hottie Brigade. Now Back To Our Regularly Scheduled Programming.
Interesing Sin City Note: Nancy Callahan was definitely supposed to be topless during her little dance and of course, Alba's non-nudity clause ruined it for us all, but hey, you can't say that wasn't hot.
Quick Question: Did Jessica Alba get a nose job? Look at the first picture from when she did Dark Angel...the others, it does look a little...augmented.

Saturday, March 29, 2008

My Weekend Crush (Continued)

Continuing to document beautiful women who just happen to be cock teases, how could I pass up Trish Stratus. The former wrestling diva was originally know more for her assets than her wrestling prowess. She became one of the most famous women to enter the ring. Wrestling fans all over the world have oogled at her for a long time, and then when there became a recurring trend where divas would pose for Playboy she always respectfully decline. Quite a fucking drag if I do say so. She is gorgeous and an issue of her sans wrestling trunks would sell out in a hot second. Hell, if Ashley Massaro could do it...she could...but, no. She just has to tease us with all of those cleavage shots in scantly clad outfits. For shame.



Ashley Massaro used to be incredibly beautiful, but then she did Survivor: China and her looks went straight to hell...she lost so much weight in the face...the important ares didn't change, now she just looks awkward.

Friday, March 28, 2008

My Weekend Crush

I'm using this extra special weekend crush to examine the problem of cock teasery... I know that's no real word or an actual problem, but I needed a reason to be creative with my selection process. So I've picked Mariah Carey as a good enough starting point. The larger-than life diva, in more ways than I need to go into, has gone straight to the edge of risque, almost going over, but has maintained a standard...no nudity; she has no problems with almost getting there though...it's blue balls without the sex. And her latest music video is no exception. Normally I like her music (her range and vocals are legen.....dary), but in all seriousness, I can't listen to this...I can watch on mute though, I suggest you do the same...enjoy!!


Is it bad that I got all of those pictures of Mariah off of my hard drive?

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Hey Everybody, HERE COMES THE CHOOCHOO!!!!

I'm back babydolls...After about a 2 1/2 week hiatus I am back with a vengeance...not really, it's not like I'm gunna kick ass McClane style, but I am really happy to be back. I was on spring break for a whole week so after posting my weekend crush about Carla...look down pervos and enjoy, I kinda went off the grid...and by that I mean I went to my parents house and chilled on their couch. Then the week after that I suffered from post-spring break withdrawl; yes even though the stuff I did do during spring break added up to a net worth of complete bullshit I still was not wanting to be back at school. There was one small beacon of hope during last week's break slump, I finally turned 21.
That's right boyos I am officially able to buy alcohol and high price brothel women in Vegas. What would normally be a momentous occasion filled with partying and lots of booze was more of a personal milestone. It was so nice out that I walked to the CVS a few blocks away and bought some rum and a four pack of Guinness. Please Drink Responsibly. I downed a Guinness and had a couple shots of rum to cap off a satisfying birthday. Then I went back home for the Easter Holiday...back off the grid I suppose. I missed another weekend's chance to redeem myself with a few worthwhile posts, but I left my pc at my apt. So now it's Tuesday...an otherwise shitty day of the week that became the sweetest.
You know how I have been mentioning random sightings of comedian Zach Galifianakis? Well the show was tonight and I was one of the first fifty in the door. I got a seat in the second row and a winning raffle ticket. Wanna know what I won...a meet and greet with the man himself, Zach fucking Galifianakis, himself. That was so sweet on top of an awesome show. My fat rolls hurt so bad from laughter I can't even begin to describe. Well worth the price of admission...which was ZERO, ZILTCH, NADA! Need proof, suck it bnitches: If anyone was worrying about the lack of their weekend fix of beauties to oggle... fear not. I will be returning this Friday, Saturday & Sunday with a hat trick to make up for my leaving you in the lerch. For now, enjoy a candid shot of Zach from some house show from YOUTUBE...

By the way you really should check out HULU.com

Saturday, March 8, 2008

My Weekend Crush

Nerds worldwide were cleaning their shorts when Zach Snyder, director of the big-screen adaptation of 300, announced that his next mission would be to adapt the graphic novel Watchmen to the big screen. Well, I personally geeked out when I heard that sheer hotness, Carla Gugino, would be filling out Silk Spectre's spandex. I started thinking about some of her earlier exploits and got extremely excited by the thought. I was especially excited after watching her stark naked in Sin City... I think Michael Clarke Duncan said it best in the movie the Whole Nine Yards, "You know, I can't think of nothing finer than a fine naked woman holding a gun." And, you know what...it's true. She was great in her supporting roles in The Lookout and American Gangster, and she's set to star opposite Al Pacino and Robert De Niro in Righteous Kill...you heard right, in the SAME MOVIE!!! Enjoy

Let's just say this last picture is NSFW...enjoy anyways, pervs.

Monday, March 3, 2008

The REAL High School Musical


Okay, It's about time that this whole High School Musical fad go away to die. It's gone on LONG ENOUGH!!! Seriously there are plans to making a reality show about finding young thespians to sing and dance. I for one will not be tuning in. I can still remember when my young cousin Olivia got a Barbie doll from High School Musical 2 and would not stop pressing the damn button that made the doll sing. I guess if I'm gonna be such a prick about this after school sensation I'll have to give my main arguments for why it needs to die.


  • Not every kid who goes to high school is pretty. Even the big black girl and metro kid are pretty. There are more cliques than jocks, cheerleaders and singers. There are emos and goths, stoners and skaters, nerds and dweebs.
  • I am quite sure that not every high school kid can spontaneously break into elaborate song and dance numbers...that's been going on since Footloose.
The main thing that gets me is the subject matter.
  • If it were a real high school there would be an aside to the camera about a girl's fear of telling her boyfriend that she might be pregnant, a baritone solo were a guy lights up marijuana after having a fight with his parents about his falling grades. There should be a two male dance number where a flamboyant male has to teach an in-the-closet male a dance routine and the flirtation between the two of them leads to a scandalous gay embrace.
  • There should be a montage involving a wild house party where all the kids come to terms with the fact that they are growing up; except one girl is unable to because someone slipped her some GHB and she's passing out.
  • A jock should get an injury and starts abusing pain pills because his overbearing father is mental abusing him for losing his college scholarship.
  • A girl who figures out that she is attracted to her best friend and attempts suicide because she doesn't reciprocate.
  • A nerdy tenor should sing a solo about being in love with the prom queen and can't have her so he brings a gun to school.
That would make an interesting musical... oh, and Zac Effron seems to be really really gay...I'm just saying.

Retrospective: I Drink Your Milkshake

Now, There Will Be Blood has spawned a very interesting catch phrase...please don't make me repeat it. But I got to thinking two other actors should be getting props for their milkshake thievery and consumption. In Pulp Fiction both Jules and Vincent Vega take other people's tasty beverages. Both scenes making for very memorable moments, especially John Travolta and his excitement when he partakes in Mia Wallace's 'Five Dollar Martin & Lewis Milkshake.' Now that I've seen both movies all I can think about are the ways that Jules and Vincent Vega would have delivered those lines...Knowing Samuel L. Jackson I'd probably come out like "I drink your milkshake muthafucka!!! I slirp it motherfuckin down!!! "

Sunday, March 2, 2008

Sucks to be a Movie Maker

Definitely not a blockbuster, Semi-Pro made it's way to the top of the box office this weekend with an estimated 15 million. For those poor people who only have like 60 dollars to their name (cough cough, nudge nudge; looks away and attracting attention) it still sounds like a lot of money. But, apparently at this point in the year movie properties that could be potential bank-breakers end up flopping straight out of the top 10 as soon as they arrive on the seen. It's really funny when teenage pregnancy has more staying power than Ron Burgundy sporting a luscious jew-fro. This has to fall under the category, sorry to say it, of EPIC FAIL!!! Why do you ask...well, if hot pictures of Heidi Klum in a bikini and Will Ferrell in short shorts cannot do the trick...I don't know what will. It's sad when an extremely ostentatious jew-fro and ANDRE 3000 cannot save a movie from flopping....it's a damn shame, a god damn shame. Oh well, there's still hot pics of Heidi Klum, that's a plus and a half.Talk about staying power, lilliputian powerhouse Ellen Page and Juno have made 135.1 million in 13 weeks...a movie made in about a months time with a 7.5 million dollar budget. I wonder what the antithesis of Epic Fail would be... Maybe EPIC TRIUMPH! or EPIC VICTORY!

Saturday, March 1, 2008

My Return to Form - My Weekend Crush (Deluxe Edition)

I had two big exams the past two weeks and my time was devoted to not failing them. A lot of things happened in the meantime; Diablo Cody won best screenplay for Juno and the Coen's ran the board getting the three top Oscars for NCFOM, Scarlett Johansson and Natalie Portman fulfilled a personal fantasy with The Other Boleyn Girl. Well now there's an eBay auction for charity where you can win a date with Scarlett (Don't believe me, click and let the tears flow.) It's things like this that really shake my faith in humanity. You can win a chance to be her date to the premiere of her next new movie, not to mention free autographed DVDs (which will probably be back up on eBay the next day) and a personal note from her. Do you understand the epic-ness of this auction? This is like one of those bachelorette auctions but instead of some 6 or 7 you're arm and arm with a 10. I may sound a little jealousy, well it's because I am. Some lucky fatfuck with loads of cash and shitloads of free time is gonna be hammering down Hot Pockets and out-bid someone more deserving than him and we'll all have to stomach it because it's for charity. Okay, my faith in humanity is completely gone (I think my penis has already shrunk an inch in sadness.) Well, for all of use too poor to bid on Scarlett here are some of the best red carpet and formal dressed pictures...we'll always have the dream...some deep-pocketed assblaster will never take that away from us. Enjoy!!That may just be the best 'little red dress' I've ever seen, ever, fucking ever...sheer brilliance. Anybody else remember that gay fashion designer from E! who got the wild hair up his ass to squeeze her boob in that dress at a pre-Golden Globe Interview...I do. Pure Ballsy.