Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Compilation of 2 Girls 1 Cup Reactions - Watch more free videos
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Three Years ago when I was in Xi'An it became my responsibility to advise the other students on how to shit in one of these toilets...I shall now pass it off to you.
- Remember how I said to bring your own toilet paper...this is the reason. Squater Toilets are for quick squating shits, get in-get out and that means you don't always have the luxury of using TP...you guessed it, the gruesome fact here is that many people wipe their shitty asscracks with one of their hands (normally not the dominant.)
- When it comes to actually shitting remember two things: 1) Bend with the knees...If you were ever in Basketball, think back to your passing drills. Keep your knees bent and extend your arms for maximum balance. 2) If you know ahead of time that you may be having difficulties (ie you ate some spicy-as-fuck dumplings or something) I suggest taking your pants off when you squat.
Sunday, October 28, 2007
That being said...never...ever buy Jissbon condoms. JIZZ is in the name of them. I know it sound like a novelty gag, but they are real. They have to be the worst condoms ever...except maybe the Durex condoms they sell in Oxford, England. The idea of seeing a condom with sunglasses on a cover of condoms and thinking that they might be good to use is a foolhardy notion. I talked to a French guy when I was living in an apartment in Shenzhen and he alluded to an instance where he abruptly stopped because of a sudden surge of pain...you guessed it, the condom snapped...So, listen to your Uncle Suburb, "Be wise and buy America." That doesn't sound witty but it's short, sweet and keeps you safe. And if you forget, buy some in the airport. They have 7-11s in airports in Hong Kong.Guess what I just found out, Durex is the manufacturer of Jissbon condoms. they have also deduced that Chinese people have on average 19.3 sexual partners. Damn, and they use Jissbon, no wonder their population is fucking astronomical...they have shotty craftsmanships when it comes to condom makers.
Also, many condom advertisement for the Chinese mention nothing about safe sex.
Today it is up to the Colts & Washington Redskins to appease the gods...The football gods require a victory from both teams. Three consecutive seasons with 6 straight wins; and playing the Carolina Panthers today which the head of steam that they have had recently, they should have no problem improving to 7-0. Washington has a more daunting task ahead. They must beat the Patriots tonight, but I have faith in them, go skins...work your Native American magic (can't say Indian magic, that they confuse people or come off racist)...and if at all possible, scalp Tom Brady and serve up Bill Belichek's head on a pike.
So I've figured out what I'm gonna be for Halloween. If the picture to the left does make it obvious...I'm gonna be an emo kid for Halloween. I'm already getting prepared, I've got eye liner and lots of black. I'm even debating some fake A Clockwork Orange eyelashes. I guess the question that is on the minds of alot of people is probably why....Well Halloween is supposed be a dramatic inversion of your character. So, me being black with long curly hair, I've decided to go for a look that is somewhat reserved for white people with greasy hair. It's gonna be hilarious...who knows, I may even wear a very emo wig. I will post the final product on Halloween. It's gonna be really funny because I'm going to classes dressed up, just to see if I can get a reaction out of people.
Pike 20, Ben Davis 12Red Devils break Giants' 33-year spellDefense shuts down Gray; Pike beats foe for 1st time since 1974
Dane Cook has become incredibly popular for his standup comedy routines; mostly for his surreal point of view. Wow that sounds really familiar...kinda like Louis CK. CK is a friend of Chris Rock, and co-writer of Pootie Tang and Head of State. He is known for his surreal style of comedy and a short-lived sit-com on HBO called Lucky Louie. People have started to notice a trend in Dane Cook's comedy. The above video explains it better than I can. The second video is Louis CK's response to the allegations.CK is such a nice guy about it and isn't being a big dick. But his last line is priceless in the second video. #$@! Dane Cook, he's a &$%#!
I also wanted to add this condensed video of one of Louis CK's routines which is also hilarious. Enjoy.
Saturday, October 27, 2007
Well apparently Glenn Beck doesn't get it either. One night on his telecast he speculated that Kucinich used 'date-rape' drugs to snag his 8-foot tall giantess. Here's a sample from the exchange:
BECK: OK, so I guess we did, you know, make that -- [unintelligible] sees the tongue ring. You see the tongue ring and, and then you're starting to think of things with Dennis, and I don't want to go there.
STU: I don't think you're the only one there, Glenn, but I, you know --
BECK: Dan, show me the picture of her again.
ANDROS: This is her right?
STU: She is very tall compared to Dennis.
BECK: No, Dan just said in my, in my ear, isn't she about eight feet tall? No, she's not about eight feet tall. He's two feet tall. He's Gollum. You take his shirt off and put him in a loincloth, and he's Gollum.
Okay here's something to know about me. I am not registered to vote for two reasons. I personally feel that my vote does not matter, and I also am so politically apathetic that I do not feel the need to. I remain politically unaffiliated...I like being a centrist. Oh, get in there, Gollum...
"Wait...this isn't the top? Fuck this noise man...If you want to make it to the top you're gonna do it without our help."So my legs gave out, and I felt as if my diabetic heart was going to give out too...which has never happened before; not to gloat, but I have climbed the Great Wall three times...and that is one of the most fucked up experiences I have every dealt with. Flocks of tourists and awkward and uneven steps work against you as climb as steep as 60 degree inclines.
Here are some tips to climbing the mountain:
- Bring lots of energy restoring food and fluids.
- Eat a hearty meal...fuck Chinese KFCs they will only slow yu down.
- Stretch...for at least an hour, you are going to be walking up over 1500 steps.
- Note that the sun doesn't always rise in clear sky; the rest of the students who continued on told me that it was so cloudy and hazy that the sunrise was no where near as awe inspiring as the tour guides said it would be.
- If a tour guide asks if you want to go see the birthplace of Confucius, Qufu, after climbing down the mountain because it's only about 45 minutes away, say fuck you or no about 25 times. It just means many queues and more historical shit that looks like other historical shit you've already seen elsewhere. That sounds really mean and ignorant...but you have to understand, when it hurts to stand and all you do is stand and listen to tour guides talk in butchered English for about an hour it becomes goddamned infuriating.
So I have been noticing a trend as of late with an influx of British talent to American shores. Example, Hugh Laurie on House M.D. is a brit. He was a part of Black Adder on BBC with people like Stephen Fry and Rowan Atkinson. Now he's an American diagnostician and multi-time Emmy nominee. Then, there's Michelle Ryan, the new, Bionic Woman. This is the most ironic, she was on Jekyll on the BBC only a couple months ago, and now is an American with super-abilities. In the most recent episode she was undercover, as a British college student...and a very convincing one at that. Damian Lewis plays Detective Charlie Crews on Life and before that he was on Band of Brothers...he too is a brit playing an American.
That's just television, in music we have the return of the British Invasion of the 60's. Artists like the fugly Amy Winehouse, Coldplay, My favorite band Bloc Party, Gorillaz, Muse and Imogen Heap are all from the land of the Union Jack.
And then there's what I call the British Uprising. This is basically an outsourcing of American actors taking roles as British characters. Most recently we have a horrible movie, Caffeine, where Americans played British coffee shop goers and workers. Some of the sucked something awful...One being Katherine Heigl. Then we've got TV. James Marsters and Alexis Denisof played British males in the Buffyverse. I guess people should try to do challenging roles, but it's like the illegal immigration issue. They take the jobs that others could possibly do.
Here are some really interesting things to know about her..She's a former Dallas Cowboy cheerleader...awesome. She has a great look and figure, being of Iranian decent. She was featured in a short-lived sit-com called Teachers (Americans attempting to repeat the success of naturally amusing British television.) She also was and possibly still is a recurring character on The L Word. Jesus, I'm surprised my lesbian muse hasn't used her yet (nothing like a little girl on girl action...I always say that, no not really.) She is currently cast on the new NBC series Life. So see Exhibits A & B. A is her, scantly clad in lingerie and quite obviously airbrushed; while B is her in detective's wears. You should check her out on the show...perfect balance to the lead, hot and hilariously sarcastic. She can arrest me anytime.
Friday, October 26, 2007
We are known for being one of the best high school basketball teams in the nation (we are one of the most ghetto high school in the city,) and as far as football went we were fanny bandits. That's no joke, it was as if our players politely turned around and lifted their skirts; this allowed the opposing team to ram the football deep into our team's asses, with no lubrication. What's prison rape with no lube, it's just sad is what it is...not even any grape jelly, it's a goddamned shame.
Oh, and did I mention that Ben Davis has a record of 16 - 0 against Pike, going back to 1976? Maybe this year, we'll put up a decent fight before they knock out teeth out, making the ball go down smoother.
(EDIT) Pike beat Ben Davis last night and are now 11-0. They play Franklin Central in the final next week. I have to say, WHAT THE FUCK!?!?
One thing I must mention before I delve further into this possible need for therapy, I was in a very dodgy part of town, and it was past midnight. This has all the makings for a terrible horror flick - Guy gets out of the car for an emergency shotgun shit and gets decapitated by crazy knife wielding psychopath, this was not good. Luckly (or not however you envision this) I found an abandoned school by the interstate...I was looking for a burger joint and couldn't find one. This area was terribly lit and I found a place to squat and run. I know, it's awful, but hey, I defy anyone to not think of a time when they had an emergency that required them t0 keep there wits about them. I will go as far as to say that I bet even the hot girls I know have had occasions of awful liquid shits.
Speaking of Awkward Moments, Random Acts has another installment in the series of REALLY AWKWARD MOMENTS , enjoy. And, just in time for Halloween, I've also included another video of REALLY AWKWARD MOMENTS
Thursday, October 25, 2007
- I decided to surf the web. I found a wonderful gem hidden in the multiple popup adult friend finder advertisements. I found another blog called Dorothy Surrenders. Quite possibly one of the funniest things I've ever seen on the web. First thing you see is a post all about Jessica Biel and the possibility of her being a gay...not my language...She writes for lesbians from a lesbian perspective. The picture is funny too; Jessica Biel with a girl grabbing her ass, while Justin Timberlake isn't paying attention...priceless.
Oh, and she has a link to Whedonesque...I'm in love, 'Chasing Amy'-style. For those who don't know Joss Whedon is a god, he wrote and created Buffy, Angel and Firefly. He also has been writing for comic books like Astonishing X-Men, Buffy the Vampire Slayer Season 8, Fray, and most recently (if you consider the fact that the release of the last two issue was around 3 months apart) he's been writing an arc of The Runaways, brain-child of another god Brian K. Vaughn.
- In addition to loads of websurfing for entertaining blogs I caught up on my comic book reading. I just mentioned I'm a big fan of Brian K. Vaughn, I have been an avid fan of his work Y: The Last Man. It's a sixty book story that has been going since 2002. It's the story of Yorick Brown, son of a Presidential cabinet member, he's an amateur escape artist with a Capuchin Monkey named Ampersand. They are the last surviving male mammals on earth and Yorick has spent the last 5 years trying to find his girlfriend Beth who was in Australia when every male died. It's been...pretty interesting to say the least and with only two issues till the end It is going to start stressing me out. A very important character just died in the most recent issue, and it will definitely have repercussions heading into the finale. Also, Brian K. Vaughn is on the staff of LOST, which is just fucking glorious.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Monday, October 22, 2007
He drinks a lot of petrol. He was born in space. He never blinks. He roams around the woods at night foraging for wolves. He sleeps upside down like a bat. His sweat can be used to clean precious metals. His skin has the texture of dolphins. If you tune your radio to 88.4 FM you can actually hear his thoughts. He does not see like humans do, instead he sees numbers in green scrolling down. He is scared of bells. He once punched a horse to the ground. His politics are terrifying. He lives in a tree. He likes DragonBoarder. He was raised by wolves. He appears on high-value stamps in Sweden. His favourite philosopher is Immanuel Kant. He has no understanding of clouds. His earwax tastes like Turkish Delight. He is confused by stairs.
He naturally faces magnetic north. He is illegal in 17 U.S. states. His heart ticks like a watch. All his legs are hydraulic. He can "accumbularate". He appears on Japanese banknotes. There's an airport in Russia named after him. He is wanted by the CIA. His breath smells of magnesium. He can catch fish with his tongue. His tears are adhesive. If set alight, he'd burn for a thousand days. He is terrified of ducks. His voice can only be heard by cats. He has two sets of knees. He can swim seven lengths underwater. He has webbed buttocks. He can melt concrete on contact. He is more machine than man. His heart is in upside down. His teeth glow in the dark. His favorite food is raw meat. He has no age. He urinates 98 RON petrol. He can smell corners. He has acid for blood. Jimmy Carter wants him dead. He has a bionic arm. He has a tattoo of Buzz Aldrin on his thigh. He is stumped by clouds. He has no fear. His ears aren't exactly where you would expect them to be. He once, "preposterously", had an affair with John Prescott.
He has a digital face. If he felt like it, he could fire Alan Sugar. He has named every single blade of gra** surrounding the Top Gear test track. His genitals are on upside down. If he could be bothered, he could crack the Da Vinci code in 43 seconds. His ears have a paisley lining. He is banned from the Chelsea Flower Show. The outline of his left nipple is exactly the same shape as the Nurburgring. If given an important job to do, he'll skive off and play croquet. He invented Branston Pickle. If you insult his mother, he will headbutt you in the chest. On really warm days he sheds his skin, like a snake. For some reason he's allergic to the Dutch. His first name really is "The". If he went on Celebrity Love Island, they'd all be pregnant - including the cameramen. He once threw a microwave oven at a tramp.
Long before anyone else, he realized that Jade Goody was a racist pig-faced waste of blood and organs. He once had a vicious knife fight with Anthea Turner. He was in no way implicated in the cash for honours scandal. If you lick his chest it tastes exactly the same as picalilli. At this week's Brit Awards, he was arrested for goosing Russell Brand. He sucks the moisture from ducks. His crash helmet is modeled after Britney Spears' head. He isn't machine washable. All his potted plants are called Steve. His scrotum has its own small gravity field. Because our producer rigged a phone vote, he now has a new name. All we know is he's called Cuddles. He’s banned from the town of Chichester. In a recent late-night deal he bought a slightly dented, white Fiat Uno from the Duke of Edinburgh.
All we know is....he's called The Stig.
Sunday, October 21, 2007
LOS ANGELES -
can add "security guard" to his job description alongside comedian and political commentator. Maher on Friday night helped security remove a rowdy protester from the studio during his weekly HBO show " ," and it was all captured on live television. Maher was talking science during one of his weekly panel discussions when a protester in his audience stood up, held up a smuggled-in sign reading "9/11 is a cover up fraud" and shouted comments to the same effect.
As politically apathetic as I am, I have to say these kinds of people piss me off just as much as they do to Bill Maher. If you don't know about the whole WTC building 7 conspiracy theory...here is the wiki site.
The basis being that the WTC collapse was a controlled demolition...it's wingnut bullshit if you ask me.
If the 9/11 douches wasn't news enough, J.K. Rowling announced on Friday that Albus Dumbledore is in fact a homosexual. Here I always thought that Nevile Longbottom was a little light in the loafers.
Here's an excerpt...
She was asked by one young fan whetherfinds "true love."
"Dumbledore is gay," the author responded to gasps and applause.
She then explained that Dumbledore was smitten with rival Gellert, whom he defeated long ago in a battle between good and bad wizards. "Falling in love can blind us to an extent," Rowling said of Dumbledore's feelings, adding that Dumbledore was "horribly, terribly let down."
Dumbledore's love, she observed, was his "great tragedy."
"Oh, my god," Rowling concluded with a laugh, "the fan fiction."
Saturday, October 20, 2007
Rugby is one of the oldest gentleman's sports and the USA Rugby team was just hasn't gotten the concept yet. They suck. They played for games, and got ass-raped four times.
My high-school used to be a rugby player in high-school. The Pike Red Devil team used to strike fear in the hearts of whiteboys from all around the state. Now they are non-existent and Pike's football team is undefeated....WTFUCK!?!?
Thursday, October 18, 2007
He is very emotional and always allows himself to be very emotional. He can have a good nights' sleep and be in a good mood, and less than few hours at work he can be very moody. He does not understand things or try to understand things easily. If you observe him carefully, you will notice what kind of mood he is in. He is a thinker and able to do well at work and always succeed. His normal gestures mean he always look at other people faults, but he will not talk about it. He has the ability to know your thought and able to tell you what you are thinking about.
Another badass is Richard Hammond. Back in September 2006 Richard Hammond, one of the hosts of Top Gear, attempted to break the UK land speed record in a car. The car has a jet engine on the back, with an afterburner. He breaks the record, but in order for it to count he would have to complete it the opposite direction with an averaged score. He ended up with the record for fastest car crash in the UK, one that left him in a coma and with brain damage. He snapped back and is back on the show. He's bad ass for driving a car up to 314 mph, and crashing the same car at 280 mph. He's even more bad ass for surviving the crash, a crash that would have killed anyone a few inches taller.
- Bloc Party - A Weekend in the City
- Muse - Absolution
- Coheed and Cambria - Good Apollo, I'm Burning Star IV, Volume I: From Fears Through the Eyes of Madness
- The Beatles - Abbey Road
- Keane - Under the Iron Sea
- H.I.M. - Razorblade Romance
- TV on the Radio - Return to Cookie Mountain
- Bruce Springsteen - The Wild, The Innocent, and the E Street Shuffle
- Cky - Infiltrate.Destroy.Rebuild
- Incubus - A Crow Left Of The Murder...
- Radiohead - Hail to the Thief
- Outkast - Speakerboxxx/The Love Below
- Pink Floyd - Dark Side of the Moon
- Ludacris - Back For the First Time
- Eminem - The Marshall Mathers LP
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Stephen Colbert is announcing that he is running for president. He will run in South Carolina and South Carolina alone. I think it is hilarious, but when I think about it, both Colbert and Jon Stewart are very intelligent. They have to be I guess, because to take such a spin on the news requires a fair amount of intelligence.
I won't spoil anything more, here are some pictures.
Oh I just have to ask, What are the Alpha Lanterns?
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
A couple of the guys who live in my apartment are in the Butler online sketch troupe Random Acts. My friend Ewzzy has started posting the new stuff on youtube. They also have a blogspot page. You guys should check them out, a new one comes out every week.
Monday, October 15, 2007
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Monday, October 8, 2007
This is the third video, This one features two new things, Rev 22:12 and 2nd coming...hmm. Here is what follows Revelations 22:12: I am Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end, the first and the last. Also, here is verse 1 right before Numbers 22:2: Then the Israelites traveled to the plains of Moab and camped along the Jordan across from Jericho. I think that's a big enough clue.
Thursday, October 4, 2007
I haven't really been following wrestling, but I've been getting rumors of the return of my favorite wrestler, Y2J, Chris Jericho...If it's true, this will certainly get me watching again. I stopped watching when he decided to go inactive, I guess I understand though; 300 days a year traveling...who wouldn't want to stay at home and nap? When Jericho arrived in the WWf in 99 he declared that he had come to SAVE the WWF. It's safe to say the WWE needs saving with all of it's current issues, and it needs it's superstars.
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
Plus look at the two of them...who looks more bad ass?
So I was doing a collage project in my Visual Arts class yesterday (I was having a 'Vietnam' style flashback to kindergarten - I'm quite sure Paint it Black was playing) And while it was all very fun, I caught myself in another PATRICK BARKER's REALLY AWKWARD MOMENT!!!
So there is this girl who is a ballet dancer, a senior by the way, and like the other girl...SHE KNOWS MY NAME AND I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT HER'S IS!!!! I really need to clean out my ears; it's really a fucking drag.
Well, I found out her name a few days ago, it's rachael...now to make sure I don't overuse it.