Monday, October 22, 2007

Some Say... The Stig, Top Gear's Tame Racing Driver

Some Say That...

He drinks a lot of petrol. He was born in space. He never blinks. He roams around the woods at night foraging for wolves. He sleeps upside down like a bat. His sweat can be used to clean precious metals. His skin has the texture of dolphins. If you tune your radio to 88.4 FM you can actually hear his thoughts. He does not see like humans do, instead he sees numbers in green scrolling down. He is scared of bells. He once punched a horse to the ground. His politics are terrifying. He lives in a tree. He likes DragonBoarder. He was raised by wolves. He appears on high-value stamps in Sweden. His favourite philosopher is Immanuel Kant. He has no understanding of clouds. His earwax tastes like Turkish Delight. He is confused by stairs.

He naturally faces magnetic north. He is illegal in 17 U.S. states. His heart ticks like a watch. All his legs are hydraulic. He can "accumbularate". He appears on Japanese banknotes. There's an airport in Russia named after him. He is wanted by the CIA. His breath smells of magnesium. He can catch fish with his tongue. His tears are adhesive. If set alight, he'd burn for a thousand days. He is terrified of ducks. His voice can only be heard by cats. He has two sets of knees. He can swim seven lengths underwater. He has webbed buttocks. He can melt concrete on contact. He is more machine than man. His heart is in upside down. His teeth glow in the dark. His favorite food is raw meat. He has no age. He urinates 98 RON petrol. He can smell corners. He has acid for blood. Jimmy Carter wants him dead. He has a bionic arm. He has a tattoo of Buzz Aldrin on his thigh. He is stumped by clouds. He has no fear. His ears aren't exactly where you would expect them to be. He once, "preposterously", had an affair with John Prescott.

He has a digital face. If he felt like it, he could fire Alan Sugar. He has named every single blade of gra** surrounding the Top Gear test track. His genitals are on upside down. If he could be bothered, he could crack the Da Vinci code in 43 seconds. His ears have a paisley lining. He is banned from the Chelsea Flower Show. The outline of his left nipple is exactly the same shape as the Nurburgring. If given an important job to do, he'll skive off and play croquet. He invented Branston Pickle. If you insult his mother, he will headbutt you in the chest. On really warm days he sheds his skin, like a snake. For some reason he's allergic to the Dutch. His first name really is "The". If he went on Celebrity Love Island, they'd all be pregnant - including the cameramen. He once threw a microwave oven at a tramp.
Long before anyone else, he realized that Jade Goody was a racist pig-faced waste of blood and organs. He once had a vicious knife fight with Anthea Turner. He was in no way implicated in the cash for honours scandal. If you lick his chest it tastes exactly the same as picalilli. At this week's Brit Awards, he was arrested for goosing Russell Brand. He sucks the moisture from ducks. His crash helmet is modeled after Britney Spears' head. He isn't machine washable. All his potted plants are called Steve. His scrotum has its own small gravity field. Because our producer rigged a phone vote, he now has a new name. All we know is he's called Cuddles. He’s banned from the town of Chichester. In a recent late-night deal he bought a slightly dented, white Fiat Uno from the Duke of Edinburgh.

All we know is....he's called The Stig.

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