Sunday, October 28, 2007

Chinese Traveler's Guide - Protection

There are numerous things you will need to keep yourself safe while in China. Consider this a continuation of my Tips to Surviving in China. Let me explain...Condoms. Okay, so there was an incident in China between me and a local, which I now reflect upon. This encounter is outlined in an essay I wrote a while ago called The Half-past Eight Friend Changing Club and Red Sweater. In the essay I go into detail about some lurid goings-on at a bar with me, my best friend, some high school buddies and a woman in a red sweater... I'm a gentleman so I won't go into details, but*spoiler alert* Cameo's Word Up...awesome song to get a lap dance to. Anyways I've been to China four times now and I can say with large amounts of certainty that it's good to protect yourself (Don't be a fool, wrap you tool, and whatsoever.)

That being said...never...ever buy Jissbon condoms. JIZZ is in the name of them. I know it sound like a novelty gag, but they are real. They have to be the worst condoms ever...except maybe the Durex condoms they sell in Oxford, England. The idea of seeing a condom with sunglasses on a cover of condoms and thinking that they might be good to use is a foolhardy notion. I talked to a French guy when I was living in an apartment in Shenzhen and he alluded to an instance where he abruptly stopped because of a sudden surge of pain...you guessed it, the condom snapped...So, listen to your Uncle Suburb, "Be wise and buy America." That doesn't sound witty but it's short, sweet and keeps you safe. And if you forget, buy some in the airport. They have 7-11s in airports in Hong Kong.
Guess what I just found out, Durex is the manufacturer of Jissbon condoms. they have also deduced that Chinese people have on average 19.3 sexual partners. Damn, and they use Jissbon, no wonder their population is fucking astronomical...they have shotty craftsmanships when it comes to condom makers.
Also, many condom advertisement for the Chinese mention nothing about safe sex.

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