Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Chinese Traveler's Guide: The Bathroom

Okay, this is bound to come up when you get to China...where's the toilet. Well I have some bad news. The toilets come in two varieties, small and squater. Now, I'm a big guy and the room I stayed in had a small round toilet. I couldn't shit and pee at the same time because my balls were on the toilet rim...disgusting, I know. Then there's the other variety. There are toilets, mainly for public areas that are simply a hole in the ground with a flushing device. It is the scariest thing.

Three Years ago when I was in Xi'An it became my responsibility to advise the other students on how to shit in one of these toilets...I shall now pass it off to you.
  • Remember how I said to bring your own toilet paper...this is the reason. Squater Toilets are for quick squating shits, get in-get out and that means you don't always have the luxury of using TP...you guessed it, the gruesome fact here is that many people wipe their shitty asscracks with one of their hands (normally not the dominant.)
  • When it comes to actually shitting remember two things: 1) Bend with the knees...If you were ever in Basketball, think back to your passing drills. Keep your knees bent and extend your arms for maximum balance. 2) If you know ahead of time that you may be having difficulties (ie you ate some spicy-as-fuck dumplings or something) I suggest taking your pants off when you squat.
Sadly I speak from experience when giving these tips. It's never good to be stuck in a shitty situation with shitty means for shitting. And, and one last bit of advice, don't where baggy clothes...you don't want to shit into or onto your pants without realizing it. Maybe next time I'll explain how to and how not to go to the bathroom on a moving train...you guessed it, squater toilets in motion...not fun.

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